As always with Deborah and I the emphasis is on the social side of the ramble rather than the macho slog of it. This is not one for those wanting an iron man challenge, but if you do want nice views, nice company, a pub lunch and homemade cream teas and cakes for afters, than this IS for you!
2013 The Time– !0.15am for 10.30am The Place– Andrew’s Wood Carpark, Shacklands Road, TN14 7BD, off roundabout between Badgers Mount and Polhill. The Route– To Shoreham Village and back. Highlight– Cream teas in St. Peter & St. Pauls, Parish Church of Shoreham, 2pm – 5pm.
The round trip distance is only approximately 5 miles in total, but there is a hill and a couple of stiles to negotiate. If you can only manage half the distance transport can be organized to get you back. ALL are welcome!
…And pushed the thick air away like it was a limp, damp blanket heavy on my skin. I downed the last dregs of my drink, there was no ice in the glass, the ice had long since gone south along with the air con and my last clean shirt. Marlowe get off your sorry butt, it’s Tuesday the 16th July and there’s work to be done. I flung the unfinished Sudoku onto the desk, that was one puzzle I wouldn’t crack, and peeled myself off the leather seat. The effort made me sweat. Summer in the city you had to love it !
The tyres squealed in protest on the sticky blacktop as I stuck the old Ford in drive and cruised uptown. The streets were empty, nobody but a fool PI would be out in heat like this, so I chewed a little on what the night ahead might bring, maybe I’d see the dame, the redhead in that red dress. I checked the glove box for my 45, Dancing Queen by Abba, a little scratched but still servicable, it would do if things got lively.
I swung the car into the lot. A big beemer squatted out front. The engine smelt hot, somebody had gunned this Bavarian beast without mercy. They had to be plumb crazy or desperately short of time, or maybe a little of both. I set my hat brim low and wrestled my way into the joint.
It struck me hard. Something was wrong. My nose itched. I looked around, once, quickly. I took it all in. You could cut the hopelessness with a knife, the sort of knife you’d give a kindergarten kid. There’d been a happening here, that much was obvious, but now it was quiet…too quiet, the lull before the storm you might say. I tapped my jacket for my hip flask and took a swig. The nip felt good, comforting. I was ready now…
So anyway the gist is it’s film shoot night for ‘Power Corrupts’, one of the club entries for the annual North V South competition. David has brought together all the ingredients for a really great production and all he needs now is a bit of luck, a following wind and enough ‘support artists’ to make up a decent crowd scene. We wait and wait, the tension is like a coiled spring that’s close to breaking. But one by one they trickle in and gradually they gather, the friends the neighbours and the club stalwarts. We have our crowd!
With crowd, crew and our leading ladies all assembled the shoot begins. David takes masterful control of the situation and with him in the director’s stool the filming ticks along with assured efficiency until ALL the scenes are in the can and the ambitious schedule completed.
To the cast and crew I take my hat off to you all. In fact I take off everything that decency will allow to salute your patience, fortitude, good grace and good humour especially in the teeth of what was a long and very muggy night. Well done and lets kick the North’s bottom!
If a job’s worth doing it’s definitely worth doing.
Whoever it was who said that movie making is no walk in the park, no bed of roses, no drive down easy street, and no double cheese burger with extra fries and a side order of onion rings, was one VERY perceptive fella!
John displays unusual fortitude in spite of the artistic agony he’s suffering.
Movie making is hell! It’s a walk on the wild side, it’s a dance with danger, it’s a tango with terror, a waltz with a wilful warthog, a foxtrot with fear, a paso doble two step with a peckish penguin, a gentleman’s excuse me with a….gentleman.
Waldorf salad is a dish best served cold.
Let me tell you movie making will chew you up and spit you out. It’ll mop the floor with you, wring you out in the dirty bucket of disappointment, leave you limp, damp and cold and then grin and do it to you all over again!
Movie making is tough…it’s so tough that on the universal scale of toughness it’s literally off the scale. It’s so tough that if you look up TOUGH in the dictionary it just says ‘Try making a movie buster!’
Now I’m not saying that the committed band of OVFM coaching evening stalwarts who gathered on Tuesday evening were making a movie…no I’m not saying that!
And I’m not saying that they weren’t!
Brenda seeks solace in drink.
What I am saying is movie making is difficult. It’s like juggling two eggs, doing up your shoelaces, constructing a flat pack wardrobe…and sending a text message…when you’re over forty!
But the OVFM coaching evening stalwarts laugh in the face of difficulty and decided they would make a movie (or a ‘film’ as we in the know say) anyway.
Masking her inner torment Barbara puts a brave face on it.
So with scripts in hand, props to the fore, best learning brains in gear and a whole heap of equipment that I couldn’t begin to describe (or understand!) we set about making the best darn movie OVFM has ever seen (made on a Tuesday this week, between the hours of 6.30 and 10pm, about letters….guaranteed. PS This is not a guarantee!)
Lee takes a moment to enjoy a little chuckle.
I could tell you how we did it…but I wont. You should have been there. The heat of the lights, the roar of the crowds (or was that my stomach rumbling?), the romance, the drama, the highs, the lows. But we got through, we manned up, we soldiered on, we whistled while we worked, we tip-toed through the tulips, we rolled out the barrel and we got to it and made our bally movie.
There’s no eye in team.
And if you want to see this triumph over adversity, this diamond plucked from the mud, this snook cocked at failure, then come soon to a picture house near you where you will gasp, cry, laugh and possibly even be entertained (terms and conditions apply) and all will be revealed. You’ll believe a man can fly, or failing that you WILL see yours trully in a cameo role that’ll take your breath away. Acting? Make your own mind up. Wonder, amazement, expectation or simply gormless? You decide; )
Cracking under the stress of being clapper boy Chris resorts to personal insult.
In the pressure cooker atmosphere of the film set Roger and Basil trade abuse.
With Lee, our glorious webmaster and esteemed Keeper of the Records, suffering with a severe dose of ‘Oh deary me I’m not feeling awfully well’ and an acute case of ‘Wretched fiddlesticks, I appear to have a pain’, it was down to the A Team to step in and save the day.
Actually do I mean A Team or do I mean the B for Back-up Team? No wait! I really mean the C for C Class Celebrity Couple of Annabelle and Simon who like a well oiled (more of that later) machine utterly failed to fill Lee’s big black boots…but at least they tried!
So with Andy piloting the Archive Time Machine and Annabelle and Simon poised with pencils to keep scrupulous notes of the films shown, like what Lee does, we were off.
1. DIY by The Gremlins. A gloriously funny short with a hint of gallows humour! Thanks to Annabelle for correctly noting the name.
2. Magical Moments also by The Gremlins, Basil Doody, John Alford and Pete Greenway (sadly departed). The touching tear jerker starred the wonderful David Locke (also sadly departed) as the park keeper imagining himself as a magician.
3. Sperrymental by Basil Doody. Basil decides to make an ‘original’ film with help from Frank and Lynn Chanter. Hilarity ensues as the subjects of crisp eating, wine drinking, poetry reading and the techniques of filming upside down and in an experimental way (out of focus) are employed and exploited in a desperate and increasingly ‘well oiled’ attempt to make an award winning film.
4. The Grey Team by Annabelle Lancaster. An epic documentary examining the lives of the beautiful Whitbread shire horses. From pulling the Lord Mayor’s Coach one day and delivering beer around central London the next. To attending the numerous shows around the country to visiting the blacksmith for new shoes. The film concludes in exhilarating manner when the horses are seen enjoying their two week holiday in rural Kent and we watch them gallop excitedly in the open pastures.
5. Call of Duty by Colin Jones. This comedy finds our untidy hero Kevin desperate for help to clean the house before the imminent return of his parents. A comic mix up with telephone numbers means confusion all round…and no help for Kevin.
6. For Better For Worse by Basil Doody (he was the star of the evening and he missed it all!) Pity the poor couple at the centre of this calamity cursed wedding day. A vintage comedy with cameos from Reg, Annabelle and other youthful club members.
7. Problem With O by Bob Wyeth. A well observed humorous short with a little shepherd boy totally unable to keep his placard under control at the nativity service.
8. City Beat by Mike and Jo Coad. Punchy and pacey, this is quiet literally city scenes cut to music.
9. Pulling the Birds by Colin Jones. The Pheasant Pluckers Song lip synched for comedic effect with lots of rubber chickens thrown in for good effect.
10. Nimrod, directed by Colin Jones, filmed by Frank Hyde. A rhyming couplet spouting cocker spaniel called Nimrod dispairs of his human family and their odd behaviour.
And that concludes the show. A great evening for one and all.
Snapping at the heels of Lee’s timely and comprehensive review of the Blitz and Bananas’ Premiere I am now ready to reveal in glorious colour my take on exactly what went on.
The Wonderful Dancers
Keep reading and I promise that later in this post you will see a Jitterbug, a Jive, several Jalopys and a certain Jasmine scented OVFM lady in uniform!
The Girls do a bit of Celeb spotting
Why, I hear you ask, did Lee manage to get his review up within hours of the show and yet it’s taken me well over a month to do the same?
A Jeep is Forever, not just Christmas
Well I can exclusively reveal here and now that there are a number of factors that you must take into consideration. Firstly age, some of us have more of it than others! Talent…ditto! And then of course there’s the small matter of the dog eating my homework!
Are you believing this? No. Okay I come clean, I have no excuse, I’m just slow I admit it, I’m sorry.
The Crowd Enjoy the Entertainment
Anyway now that I’ve got that off my chest and like they say confession is good for the soul, I think I should get on with showing you a few of the highlights of that momentous day in April.
Tin Hat at the Ready
To some of us it’ll be remembered as the ‘I don’t believe it!’ day. Obviously staging anything on April Fool’s Day is likely to cause confusion and incredulity in those of a cynical leaning.
Book the Churchill Theatre…I don’t believe it!
Sell it out…I don’t believe it!
Stage a second show and sell that out too…I don’t believe it!
But believe it or not it’s true, and not only that it was a resounding success too with our own Anna Littler and her loyal band of Bananites putting on an event that was entertaining and very enjoyable.
Cherie proves there’s something about a uniform!
From the parade of vintage cars to the period costumed dancers, from the glorious sunshine to the generous raffle prizes the Blitz and Bananas Experience was a great way to get in the swing for the main feature.
Where’s …Reggie?
On which Lee (curse his literatical ability) has already expounded with more eloquence and insight than is decent in one so young, but suffice to say Blitz and Bananas, the Film, was V, V, V filmfabulous!
Some of the folks who helped it happen
After the screening some of the many people who’d contributed to the success of the Premiere were cajoled onto the stage to take their applause like men, and there was a funny ‘behind the scenes’ short film and the grand drawing of the raffle…phew!
Never leave home without your gas mask
It was a great day.
Anna…I do believe it now!
ps. Jasmine scented? On reflection it may have been J’adore by Dior!!
You’ve pestered, you’ve begged, you’ve fretted, you’ve sweated. but in spite of all that I’m not going to be stopped!
Alan cuts a dash in the costume de rigueur dicky bow look
So Film Fans, I give you…THE OVFM OSCAR NIGHT PHOTOGRAPHS!
Please! Thank you, settle down, mind what you’re doing with that monopod missus, where’s me wash board, I didn’t come here to get insulted…I could have stayed at home!
An Expectant Crowd (not to be confused with a crowd of those expecting!)
Anyway On With The Show. But first I must be serious for a moment. We now live in a highly litigious society where health and safety concerns dog our every move. For some the arrival of conker season doesn’t bring joy but a fearful rush for hard hat and goggles, and fetching something down from the top of the cupboard requires a safety net and padded suit!
Security Has Arrived.
But here at OVFM we’re not like that, we laugh in the face of danger…ha ha. Only last week I heard of an OVFM member who didn’t flinch when he dropped his ginger hob nob he just calmly reached down, picked it up and carried on as if nothing had happened. Brave? You bet yer!
Glamorous Pat shows us how it’s done
And what about the OVFM member who recently took up rollerskating? Determined to fulfil a lifelong ambition and do something adventurous he didn’t hesitate to get out there and have a go. (The doctor says he’s doing fine and the cast can come off in about six weeks).
However after vetting my article the OVFM lawyers (Fleeceham, Grabbit & Runn) have insisted that I preface it with a warning to protect those of a sensitive disposition.
The Comedy Dream Team, Corrie, Colin and Basil
So here goes…
WARNING the following contains images of a grown man in a banana costume, if you are offended by such images (and those of unconstrained handshaking and back slapping too) please look away now. In fact why not look at Reg’s Favourite Films article which has had some really fascinating posts added to it recently.
Yes, I Have no Bananas. Mike demonstrates his unstinting support of ‘Blitz and Bananas’ the film
Still here?
Then sit yourself down, take a deep breath and we’ll begin!
For the full selection of photos visit the gallery.
Sam presents Ann and John with the Vic Treen TrophyRespectful as ever Lee presents Barbara with her Top Ten Runner Up certificateDavid is presented with the Jubilee Shield by BrendaColin again with his two leading ladies from ‘Team Work’, winner of the Mike Turner PlateSimon and Annabelle the John Bonham -alike star of his ‘Rhythm of Life’ mockumentaryMulti award winning Mike with banana impersonating namesake MikeFreddy congratulates Barbara for winning the Alice Howe TrophyBob is recognized for his great film ‘Switzerland’John is given a Commended Certificate for his film ‘Mystery of the Garden Shed’, as seen on the BBCAre you allowed to do that Chris? And with hubby there too!Brenda gets a pressie from Freddy and Chris for all her competition workAre you allowed to do that Chris? And with hubby there too!Is that Cherie I see there?
Day Two and the housemates are in a filming state of mind.
It’s Tuesday 24th January 2012 and as a shaft of golden sunlight picks out the gold braid stripes on Captain Lee’s uniform his eager crew gather for their early morning briefing.
Alas My Heart doth Flutter like a Butterfly’s wings
“Well team, we have a Big Day ahead of us. As you know today we do the actual filming for the OVFM Coaching Course Movie (unlike yesterday when we only rehearsed, no really, it was just the rehearsal, any filming you may have thought you’d seen was just your imagination, understood!)”
Lights, Camera, Sound, Action…I say…ACTION!
Lee struck an inspiring image and his rousing voice soon whipped the crowd into paroxysms of enthusiasm for the task ahead.
Roarke and Mike pull a Cracker
“OVFMers! Lend me your ears, lend me your hearts…lend me a tenner! Today we band, we merry band stand on the frontier of history. Ask not what the Club can do for but what you can do for the Club. Let us rise as one and take up our mighty camcorders and go forth to smite those that dare stand in our way. Cry out for Film, for Video, and for Freddy! And remember people there’s no i in team…but there is a heck of a lot of t in China. Ich Bien Ein OVFMer. ”
Barbara gives the men a lesson in thermo dynamics
Suitably motivated team work did indeed prevail throughout the day. When John Epton (who’s not blessed with the most technically minded brain) struggled to set up a piece of equipment to Lee’s exacting standard Barbara Walker was there immediately to show him how by adjusting the electro reostat to eleven and routing the power through the auxillary thermal shunt gate an effective adjustment in output of five millimicro amps could be achieved. Later it turned out an inverted coffee cup worked just as well!
The Ferret Breeders Question Time Panel
Being a period production historic costumes were de rigueur, with enough flat caps on display to make the casual observer imagine they must have inadvertently stumbled into a meeting of the Union of Flat Cap Wearers, Pigeon Fanciers, Tripe Eaters and Amalgamated Trades. Oh and there were plenty of head scarves too.
If only I could remember why I’m here
With laughter lubricating the wheels of productivity like big dollops of grease mixed with butter and then liberally drizzled with really slippery extra, extra, extra virgin olive oil and then served up on giant banana skins, it was not long before the comprehensive shot list was accomplished with aplomb, panache, je ne sais quoi and ahead of shedule to boot…F.A.B. Lee!
Mike and Ian demonstrate their expert grasp of non-verbal communication
So now all that remains is to await the Grand Premier of this Grande Dame of Grand Prix winning potential Cinematico, I for one can’t wait!!
While Old Man Winter has been quietly cloaking itself in Spring’s mantle (fingers crossed) the Intelligentsia Juggernaut that is the OVFM Coaching Experience has been steadily rumbling onward towards it’s goal…like some giant, steady, rumbling thing.
Chris Points Like There's No Tomorrow
Monday 23rd January 2012 saw a crack team of keen film makers, actors, technical gurus, avid students of cinema and assorted hangers on, gather in the Garden Room for what was to go down in Club history as quite literally ‘the rehearsal’.
"Make it So Barbara"
Under Lee Relph’s directorship a film was to be brought to life before our very eyes…and we were excited, very excited! In fact some of us had not been this excited since we’d witnessed Freddy leap to her feet like a startled gazelle, announce to the assembled group that she was ‘Feeling hot, hot, hot’, sprint down the garden and dive head first into the pool with a cry of ‘SERIAC forever!’. I can tell you that’s one committee meeting I wont forget in a hurry. What a woman!
"My, my, that is a flat cap and no mistake!"
Anyway getting back to the plot we find our hero Lee taking Colin Jones’ script idea and crafting it into a screenplay fit for Bollywood, with dancing, singing, colourful costumes, casts of thousands, a sword fight, two exploding wedding cakes, a donkey, a romance, a romantic donkey…in fact it had everything…except the budget!
There's got to be an easier way to get a suntan!
I think therefore I film
So our poor hero (ahh) returns to his draughty garret, takes up his quill, and by the feeble light of a guttering candle he sets to work again. For seven days and seven nights not a sound is heard from his attic room but the scratching of nib on coarse paper. It’s about this time that Lee decides he really should have invested in some ink, and casting aside his quill he reaches instead for his trusty laptop and with two bounds he revises the script and makes his deadline with just seconds to spare.
No! We are NOT making a blue film!
Wrapping a morsel of cheese and a crust of dry bread in a checkered handkerchief he sets off for the bright lights of London Town (with his cat), to make his fortune. And when he hears the sound of Bow Bells he knows (and so does the cat, it’s a very intelligent cat. The sort of cat that can catch it’s own supper, look after it’s self and do a little light conveyancing on the side) that Everything Was Going To Turn Out Fine.
There's the doers... and then there's the don'ters
And so it transpired. Lee made his film and it was Good. And the people said ‘Behold! This IS a Good film.’ And our hero lived happily ever after and went on to make many more movies, all critically acclaimed masterpieces. However they were sadly also commercial flops, but that didn’t matter because when the property market finally picked up the cat was ready and made an absolute killing and there was plenty of money to live on and to finance Lee’s cinematic extravaganzas for years to come!
Star Quality always shows through
But I get ahead of myself, that is all for another day.
For now it is still just the rehearsal (but with a bit of filming too, well actually quiet a bit of filming, in fact there’s a heck of a lot of filming going on to be honest, mainly ‘cos of this and that reason, you know how it is.)
Determined to make a clean sweep Basil brings his new broom.Steady As A Rock
Anyway the “rehearsal”!
People flocked from every quarter of the compass to join the team. They flocked like…erm…birds, like exotic birds, like bejewelled birds of paradise, their wings scattering prisms of rainbow coloured light as they flew. And when passers-by looked up and saw them they gasped at their beauty, and the wise ones among them nodded sagely and said
“that there them be from OVFM, ’tisn’t for the likes of us, look away.”
But a particularly kindly old bird (but still with nicely preserved plumage and his own beak) hearing this swooped down and invited the passers-by to come along (without obligation for two meetings, and then after that special rates for couples, students and juniors, terms and conditions apply, bejewelled wings not a guarantee), and they did, and the people rejoiced.
Are We Having Fun Yet?
So as I was saying people came, people helped, people loitered, lights were put up, put down, chairs were arranged, added to, moved, sat upon. People acted, people filmed, sometimes people even filmed the actors. Tea was drunk, chips were scoffed, and finally after much hard work, energetic endeavour, and the occasional pregnant pause (Fiona we salute your forbearance) it was time to wrap the cans or whatever it is that they say in MovieLand.
Hark! Are those festive bells I hear a-jingling? It must be the OVFM Christmas Social.
So let us raise our voices in a hearty Ho Ho Ho and welcome in the Yuletide Magix! (I mean magic of course, there’s no seedy product placement here, our Christmas is entirely non-commercial. After all we’re not just a film making club…we’re an M&S film making club!)
Last One Holding the Bill Has to Pay!
With our very own Chris Tingle acting as M/C the evening of the 20th December was a fabulously fun fusion of frolics, quizzes, conversation and of course lashings of mulled wine and generous servings of figgy pudding (or to be strictly accurate teas, coffees, soft drinks and assorted nibbles to accompany!)
Brilliant Brenda
To start the figurative snowball rolling Brilliant Brenda dished out her exquisitely trying quiz and while the ad hoc teams wrestled valiently with the problems Santa’s Little Helper, the utterly gavel crazy Chris kept order (no easy task considering the all round rowdiness going on, methinks he’ll be wanting a megaphone in his stocking this year).
As an ice breaker (thankfully not required in a literal sense this year) the quiz was an absolute winner with arch rivals in the editing suite putting aside their differences on jump cuts and aspect ratios to join in brotherly comradery and drag victory from defeat or at least maintain a modicum of dignity in the face of crushing ignorance.
Verily it is so. It shall come to pass that the Casablanca shall lie down with the Pinnacle Studio Pro Version 17 Plus (fully HD, 3D, Smellivision and Hologram ready and complient with all EU directives concerning tripod and zoom misuse), and there shall be harmony and goodwill to all.
Naturally in any competitive endeavour the judging is the moment of truth. So with bottoms perched precariously on edges and fingers crossed the answers were announced.
And I must say that during the marking of the quiz there was the usual mirth and banter, a little muttering, some outright disagreement, a smattering of healthy discussion, a hint of discontent, a serving of rebellion but absolutely no violence…this time! I call that a highly successul quiz and I hope that the trend of non-violence will continue into 2012, well we all have our dreams!
The OVFM lawyers have asked me to point out that violence is not endemic at the club. That the implications there-of are erroneous, misleading and almost entirely false. In fact OVFM has one of the lowest rates of amateur film making related argy bargy in the greater Orpington area and that the incident involving two film makers and the comedy script about a beach ball, three pounds of tripe and a window cleaner, has now been settled amicably and they are now happily working together on a North V South competition contender to the theme ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, if you can’t find a rhyme, a gag about Cockfosters will do’.
The OVFM Ethics Sub-commitee has asked me to point out that jokes about violence are not big or clever and if I don’t reform my wayward behaviour immediately I can wave my giblets goodbye. Oops!
Thanks to the ever diligent, productive and tireless OVFM catering team of Peggy and Jo et al there was a veritable corucopia of refreshment to be had at half time. And boy oh boy were we ready for it!
As I think I overheard certain Mike T say later as he munched his way through his ninth mini sausage roll, “This is one turkeytastic, mince pie-elian, stuff stockingly wonderful Christmas Social!!”
Hear hear to that.
Delicious dainties devoured, flavoursome finger fancies flattened, savoury sandwiches scoffed and food generally demolished it was quite literally time to…continue.
“Bring On The Dancing Girls” Some of us chorused. But no, it was better than that, Old Father Christmas Claus Mike T in full living colour before our very eyes!!
What a heart warming sight and so appropriate too to see Mike, the proud and dignified elder statesman of our club, the keystone of our organisation, the OVFM figurehead, our Vice-Chairman, the one we turn to in time of trouble or strife…dressed in a silly costume with a funny beard voluntarily humiliating himself for our entertainment!!
Thanks Mike.
If like me you imagined nothing could top that sight you were very much mistaken as not one but three (yes count them, one, two…er..sorry but I failed my counting O level) curiously dressed individuals made their entrance.
“What’s your name little boy? And what do you want for Christmas?” Santa asks
“My name is Mike and I want bubbles in my bath.”
“And my name is Basil and I want bubbles in my bath too.”
“What’s your name young lady?”
“Well hello Santa…my name is…Bubbles!!” Boom boom!
Thanks to Mike S, Basil and Rita for this comedy gold dust and superlative character acting. Although for Chris and myself seeing two grown men dressed as schoolboys who are not playing guitar for the greatest rock band in the world (oh yes it is) was a little confusing.
Oh and special attention must be drawn to Mike S and his bare behind…I mean BEAR behind, teddy that is, for the humorous use of, I don’t want to get into trouble with the Ethics Sub-commitee again!
With the laughing still ringing in our ears it was nearly time for the highlight of the evening…nay Highlight of the Year, and as we sat in excited expectation a kind of hush fell over the assembly. It was just like that time at the club when I’d forgotten to plug in the speakers, all over again. Ahh happy days.
After about thirty seconds of hush a number of people, possibly intoxicated by the sight of Mike and Basil’s knees, struck up a tuneless rendition of ‘Why are We Waiting?’ The names of these trouble makers have been noted and I understand that there will be consequences to pay (think Trial by Jury, be afraid, be very afraid!)
After a tense but highly dramatic build-up They appeared!!!
Jaws dropped and flabber was gasted, as the One, the Only, the Group of disperate persons wearing unusual and somewhat random clothes to top all similar groups…Yes you’re right, it’s them, I give you…The Definitive, the Delicious, they’re messing with my head but I like it…THE…SUGARBOOBS!!!!
The crowd went crazy as Cherie and her band (they wish to remain anonymous for credibility and contractual reasons) took to the stage and rocked in with their rendition of Cherie and Derek’s classic composition entitled “Hey Dolly, If I Said You Had A Beautiful Boom
MIKE SAYS “THAT’S NOT TRUE! AND I VERY MUCH DOUBT IT”.
REG SAYS UNITED WILL WIN EVERY GONG,
BUT THE BOYS IN BLUE SHIRTS WILL SOON PROVE THAT HE’S WRONG.”
PEGGY AND JO ARE NOW SERVING UP COFFEE
WITH BISCUITS SO OLD THAT THEY ALL TASTE LIKE TOFFEE.
CHRIS CALLS OUT FOR SILENCE “NOW LISTEN TO ME!
HANDS UP ALL THOSE MORONS WHO ONLY DRINK TEA”.
(Chorus)
RESOLUTION, DEFINITION, GOD! THE JARGON’S TOUGH!
BUT THEN WE WATCH CHRIS AS HE PLAYS WITH HIS (PAUSE) GAVEL,
AND THEN WE DON’T FEEL SO ROUGH.
DOCUMENTARIES AND DRAMAS ARE CHURNED OUT GALORE
AND COMEDY FILMS IN THE HANDS OF MIKE SHAW.
BASIL DOODY, DEREK ALLEN AND MIKE TURNER TOO,
HELP MAKE UP THE TEAM OF THE COMEDY CREW.
OUR COMEDY QUEEN IS BAR BA RARA WALKER,
SHE WRITES FUNNY SCRIPTS ‘AND IS A GOOD FILM MAKER.
SHE’LL GET YOU INVOLVED SO YOU’D BETTER WATCH OUT,
OR SOON SHE WILL GRAB YOU AND “GOTCHA!” SHE’LL SHOUT.
(Chorus)
NEARLY FINISHED, HOPE YOU LIKED IT
WE’LL BE BACK NEXT YEAR!
BUT WAIT, IS IT TRUE, CAN IT BE, DID WE HEAR?
SINGING NEXT YEAR?! NO BLOODY FEAR!!
OH DEAR WE’VE FORGOTTEN OUR ‘MISS EVEREADY’
IF YOU NEED A JOB DONE JUST CALL ON OUR FREDDIE.
ANNABELLE TOO WILL BE THERE TO ASSIST
AND ANNA BANANA’S FILMS SHOULD NOT BE MISSED.
(Chorus)
WE CAN’T MENTION EVERYBODY BUT WE’RE GLAD YOU’RE HERE,
IT MEANS WE CAN END ON A VERY NICE NOTE
‘A HEALTHY AND BRIGHT NEW YEAR!’
They were spectacular, they were stupendous…they were shameless! It was magnificent and we loved it.
What a way to end, an absolute high. Thanks Cherie and friends (your secret’s safe with us).
And so with the evening drawing to a close we nodded sagely to ourselves and considered…yes tonight had been a triumph. Thank you OVFM and thank you to all the hard workers who toiled to make it all happen.
You are quite literally the Ultimate. In fact you’re all so good you’re better than that you’re the…Penultimate!!!
I’ve decided to ask Santa for my own Bubbles this Christmas.
But according to Deborah I can’t expect any presents this year if I will persist in wearing the stockings instead of hanging them up. Baa Humbug!
But they are so exceedingly comfy!
On a serious note let us not forget the real meaning of this very special time of the year and remember that little chap of humble birth who grew up to bring joy and good cheer to us all…so here’s to you Mike T I raise my glass in salute!
With the evenings drawing in and austerity measures meaning street lamps are going out all over Europe, the time seemed ripe for a practical night on lighting etc at OVFM.
Tony in the Hot seat
The buzz of expectancy at the club on Tuesday 15th November was enough to make your fillings rattle as The Crew set to work transfering the hall into an outpost of Hollywood (or Pinewood, Bollywood or any other Wood you fancy). So for those of you who missed this great event here is a complete and truthful report of what occured…honest!
Is it me, or is this Seat getting Hotter?
Lights, camera…screen, projector…more lights, tripod, volunteers, more lights and ACTION! But first Ian took centre stage to get the ball rolling on the bijou but perfectly formed Coaching Evening Cinematic Extravaganza. This production will be the culmination of what will quite literally be a film making journey as week by every other week the Coaching Evenings build into a collection you”ll treasure forever…free binder with issue one.
“I Want an Actor with Long Arms”
“Please…I’m begging”
Pep talk given, scripts distributed, volunteers…err volunteered it was time to Bring On The Coach! Drum roll please, draw back those curtains and give a warm OVFM Coaching Evening The Third welcome to…eh Chris!
“O…V…F…M all together now O…V…F…M…”
Fresh faced and totally pumped after leading his own all day seminar on “how to do techy stuff” (don”t ask me, I still need two hands to tell the time…curse you wretched LED watch) Chris soon launched into part one of the evening.
Don’t Try This at home Children
And tonights subject? Lighting, lighting, lighting oh and a bit of tracking.
We have the lights Now all we need is a subject…bring on the first victim.
Marko Casts A Long Shadow
Tony steps up and is soon bathed in light as Chris shows the effect of dramatic side lighting. Tony”s rugged, handsome and very distinguished face, seemed to exude quiet authority as he sat calmly surveying the scene before him with regal gravitas (and let me just take this opportunity to thank Tony for his kind and totally unexpected contribution to my little charity). As Chris worked the camera Tony”s face appeared in glorious super close-up on the wall. Thus the effect of the lights could be easily viewed by all and the large and attentive audience of “wannabespielbergs” as they like to be know, to study the fall of light and shade in detail.
Charlie and Nellie take it all too seriously
Marko then skilfully manned the reflector to demonstrate how it can be used to reduce contrast in strong lighting conditions and kick light back where it”s needed. As Chris pointed out, unlike our eyes, the camera is unable to cope with the extremes of contrast that occur in many situations. The lit areas of the subject can too bright and overexposed while the unlit shadow areas can be dark voids without any features. So lighting should be managed to control this by the intelligent use of reflectors or “fill” lighting.
The Team Bask in Reflected Glory
Reflectors. Why are they available in different colours?
Now at this point you are probably expecting some explanatory photos for illustration purposes.
Well! It”s like this. Needing a subject for the photos I contacted our regular Go-to Glam Girl Model to propose a short photographic sitting.
“How much?” Freddy demanded down the phone.
Naturally I was taken aback. After all Freddy is well known for her generous nature, as well as her beauty, and anyway the OVFM photographic slush fund had recently been withdrawn (don”t ask, but my all expenses paid long weekend in Paris slot machines to seek “inspiration” may have been a contributory factor) and I was now totally skint.
“How about a chip butty and a nice big mug of tea Freddy.” I suggest, thinking this a very tempting offer, especially as we all know tea is the drink of champions.
“Wise guy! I don”t get of of bed for less than £10,000!” She shouted, before throwing the phone down with such force I was deeply concerned for the safety of any innocent bystander who may have been passing.
And so in the abscence of our very own diva of the catwalk I shall just have to describe the lighting effects, thanks Freddy!
What a Noble Countenance
Silver, neutral in colour but with maximum reflectivity.
White, also neutral in colour but less reflective, when you want less fill or your don”t want to dazzle your subject.
Gold (or similar) this is not neutral coloured but adds a “warm” tint to the subject that is not unlike a suntan and consequently gives a healthy glow to the subject. Use sparingly as the colour cast can appear unnatural if used in the wrong situation.
Chris Softens the light
Black, being a simple soul it took me years to get my head round the concept of a black reflector but now I “get it” as it is a very useful tool to control light. Basically you use it to subtract light and selectively shade the subject. For example if the subject is close to a colourful surface that is casting light onto it and you”re unable to reposition the subject then place the black reflector between the two. Or if you”re in a small, light walled room but you want dramatic deep shadows on your subject use the black reflector to block the natural fill. Or finally my favourite use for it is in available light portaits outside where “toppy” lighting can occur that throws the eye sockets into shadow. Use the black reflector (or similar) above and infront of the subject to block that top lighting so that the face is illuminated from the front (a similar effect can be achieved by taking the subject under the shade of a tree, for example).
Basil starts a Mexican wave
Tony was very much at ease in the spotlight so it was time for Chris to welcome contributions from the audience. Basil made the excellent point that there were budget alternatives to the flexible, steel hoop style reflector that Chris was using. Options like silver foil on card (but do crumple the foil first), space blanket (excellent for portability, cheap but does require a friend or two to hold it), a white bed sheet (obviously coloured reflectors are not suitable as they add a colour cast to the subject). In truth any pale surface can be used to kick back a little light into the shadow side of the subject, a white wall or even a sheet of newspaper if you can get it close enough.
Malcolm Directs the Lighting Crew
Rising to the challenge of creating Mastermind style lighting Malcolm and others leapt to the fore to tinker with angles, brightness, distance and even subject…sorry Tony but you”re FIRED!
Chris Channels the Great Hitchcock
Chris was also keen to show off his latest hi-tech acquisition, not his iphone (for once!) but a one metre wide by two metre long, half centimetre thick, deformable and light weight, tri-form waffled construction, fully recyclable device for light occlusion. Okay, okay! Yes it was just a piece of tatty old cardboard.
Chris Demonstrates 21st Century Technology
Chris Demonstrates 21st Century Technology[/caption]
Apparently this was all that Chris could afford since the budget available for club equipment had somehow been mysteriously depleted recently…but on the positive side some really excellent French cheeses are being served at the commitee meetings nowadays thanks to a generous but unnamed benefactor.
Film Noir lives in Orpington
“What is Your Name???”
Anyway the point is that in the hands of an expect (where were you Reg when we needed you?) the cardboard can be used like barn doors, or a snoot, or a baffle, or a gobo, or in other words it can stop light going where it”s not welcome. We also learnt of giant inflatable screens used by film makers to shade large areas, which can be suspended from cranes for maximum effect.
Pay Attention
Back light, background light, natural light, window light, room light, even light…the whole lighting thing is a real biggy. Chris could only touch on some elements of it in the limited time available but the subject will doubtless be returned to at future OVFM meetings or if you have any questions the club is replete with expertise so just ask around.
Backlight…and you can dry your hair too
After teabreak it was time for part two of the evening which majored on the woefully under ultilised but highy effective club dolly tracking system. This simple, lightweight and easy to use gadget can add a real polish to your production by allowing the camera to move along smoothly and in a controlled way.
The route of the new HS2 causes concern
Chris demonstrated a number of uses for the tracking technique and several eager students took the opportunity to have a go themselves.
Untie that Maiden Now
My absolute fav use of the dolly and tracks is the “Jaws” effect as I think of it. It is more properly known as the dolly zoom, or also as the Hitchcock Zoom, the Vertigo Zoom, the Trombone Shot etc.
There”s a scene in Jaws where the Police Chief (actor Roy Scheider) is sitting on the beach watching the tourists splash in the surf whilst convinced a rogue shark is about to strike but unable to close the beach. His keen eyes spot something in the water and as the emotions are written across his shocked face the camera rapidly tracks towards him while the lens zooms out (from telephoto to wideangle) to maintain his face at the same size. The resultant change in perspective is dramatic, unsettling and very spectacular.
An orderly queue forms to ‘shoot’ Chris
With Bob and Lee in full acting mode, Anna, Jane, Freddy, Chris and others demonstrated this technique with great success. Andy has been producing DVD”s of all the Coaching Evenings and they are available to buy, this demo alone has got to make the purchase worthwhile…it looked fab, especially with Bob performing at Oscar winning level.
Bob’s big moment
So sadly, with time having beaten us, the momentous Third Coaching Evening came to an end.
Grrrr!!
We were tired, entertained, uplifted but most of all thanks to Chris and his band of helpers we were all a bit wiser too.
Am I the only sane one?
An Unusual Angle!
The lights and the track system belong to the club and can be booked out for use by club members along with a variety of other equipment (look in the Members” Section of the website for details). DVD”s of this and the other Coaching evenings are available for a small fee from Andy. Psst…and if it”s delicious French cheese you”re after just tip me the wink and I”ll see what I can do.
