OVFM Goes Christmas Crackers

Deck the Hall with Betamax Tape trulla-la-la…

Hark! Are those festive bells I hear a-jingling? It must be the OVFM Christmas Social.

So let us raise our voices in a hearty Ho Ho Ho and welcome in the Yuletide Magix! (I mean magic of course, there’s no seedy product placement here, our Christmas is entirely non-commercial. After all we’re not just a film making club…we’re an M&S film making club!)

With our very own Chris Tingle acting as M/C the evening of the 20th December was a fabulously fun fusion of frolics, quizzes, conversation and of course lashings of mulled wine and generous servings of figgy pudding (or to be strictly accurate teas, coffees, soft drinks and assorted nibbles to accompany!)

To start the figurative snowball rolling Brilliant Brenda dished out her exquisitely trying quiz and while the ad hoc teams wrestled valiently with the problems Santa’s Little Helper, the utterly gavel crazy Chris kept order (no easy task considering the all round rowdiness going on, methinks he’ll be wanting a megaphone in his stocking this year).

As an ice breaker (thankfully not required in a literal sense this year) the quiz was an absolute winner with arch rivals in the editing suite putting aside their differences on jump cuts and aspect ratios to join in brotherly comradery and drag victory from defeat or at least maintain a modicum of dignity in the face of crushing ignorance.

Verily it is so. It shall come to pass that the Casablanca shall lie down with the Pinnacle Studio Pro Version 17 Plus (fully HD, 3D, Smellivision and Hologram ready and complient with all EU directives concerning tripod and zoom misuse), and there shall be harmony and goodwill to all.

Naturally in any competitive endeavour the judging is the moment of truth. So with bottoms perched precariously on edges and fingers crossed the answers were announced.

And I must say that during the marking of the quiz there was the usual mirth and banter, a little muttering, some outright disagreement, a smattering of healthy discussion, a hint of discontent, a serving of rebellion but absolutely no violence…this time! I call that a highly successul quiz and I hope that the trend of non-violence will continue into 2012, well we all have our dreams!

The OVFM lawyers have asked me to point out that violence is not endemic at the club. That the implications there-of are erroneous, misleading and almost entirely false. In fact OVFM has one of the lowest rates of amateur film making related argy bargy in the greater Orpington area and that the incident involving two film makers and the comedy script about a beach ball, three pounds of tripe and a window cleaner, has now been settled amicably and they are now happily working together on a North V South competition contender to the theme ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, if you can’t find a rhyme, a gag about Cockfosters will do’.

The OVFM Ethics Sub-commitee has asked me to point out that jokes about violence are not big or clever and if I don’t reform my wayward behaviour immediately I can wave my giblets goodbye. Oops!

Thanks to the ever diligent, productive and tireless OVFM catering team of Peggy and Jo et al there was a veritable corucopia of refreshment to be had at half time. And boy oh boy were we ready for it!

As I think I overheard certain Mike T say later as he munched his way through his ninth mini sausage roll, “This is one turkeytastic, mince pie-elian, stuff stockingly wonderful Christmas Social!!”

Hear hear to that.

Delicious dainties devoured, flavoursome finger fancies flattened, savoury sandwiches scoffed and food generally demolished it was quite literally time to…continue.

“Bring On The Dancing Girls” Some of us chorused. But no, it was better than that, Old Father Christmas Claus Mike T in full living colour before our very eyes!!

What a heart warming sight and so appropriate too to see Mike, the proud and dignified elder statesman of our club, the keystone of our organisation, the OVFM figurehead, our Vice-Chairman, the one we turn to in time of trouble or strife…dressed in a silly costume with a funny beard voluntarily humiliating himself for our entertainment!!

Thanks Mike.

If like me you imagined nothing could top that sight you were very much mistaken as not one but three (yes count them, one, two…er..sorry but I failed my counting O level) curiously dressed individuals made their entrance.

“What’s your name little boy? And what do you want for Christmas?” Santa asks

“My name is Mike and I want bubbles in my bath.”

“And my name is Basil and I want bubbles in my bath too.”

“What’s your name young lady?”

“Well hello Santa…my name is…Bubbles!!” Boom boom!

Thanks to Mike S, Basil and Rita for this comedy gold dust and superlative character acting. Although for Chris and myself seeing two grown men dressed as schoolboys who are not playing guitar for the greatest rock band in the world (oh yes it is) was a little confusing.

Oh and special attention must be drawn to Mike S and his bare behind…I mean BEAR behind, teddy that is, for the humorous use of, I don’t want to get into trouble with the Ethics Sub-commitee again!

With the laughing still ringing in our ears it was nearly time for the highlight of the evening…nay Highlight of the Year, and as we sat in excited expectation a kind of hush fell over the assembly. It was just like that time at the club when I’d forgotten to plug in the speakers, all over again. Ahh happy days.

After about thirty seconds of hush a number of people, possibly intoxicated by the sight of Mike and Basil’s knees, struck up a tuneless rendition of ‘Why are We Waiting?’ The names of these trouble makers have been noted and I understand that there will be consequences to pay (think Trial by Jury, be afraid, be very afraid!)

After a tense but highly dramatic build-up They appeared!!!

Jaws dropped and flabber was gasted, as the One, the Only, the Group of disperate persons wearing unusual and somewhat random clothes to top all similar groups…Yes you’re right, it’s them, I give you…The Definitive, the Delicious, they’re messing with my head but I like it…THE…SUGARBOOBS!!!!

The crowd went crazy as Cherie and her band (they wish to remain anonymous for credibility and contractual reasons) took to the stage and rocked in with their rendition of Cherie and Derek’s classic composition entitled “Hey Dolly, If I Said You Had A Beautiful Boom

Pole would you Pan it against Me”, or something.

In fact here are the actual lyrics set to the tune of “My Favourite Things” from The Sound Of Music (uncensored version):

OUR CHRISTMAS SOCIAL IS NOW IN FULL SWING,

WE HOPE THAT THE MEMBERS WON’T MIND IF WE SING.

IT’S ALL ABOUT CAMERAS AND TRIPODS AND SUCH,

WHICH SOME OF US DON’T KNOW ABOUT VERY MUCH.

THIS IS A SONG FOR ALL FILMAKER NUTTERS

EXPOSING THEMSELVES TO THEIR LENS THROUGH THEIR SHUTTERS.

MAKING THE APERTURE BIGGER OR SMALL

TO SUIT EACH EXPOSURE, ONE DOES

NOT ‘FIT ALL’.

(Chorus)

WHEN THE LIGHTS FADE AND THE CLOUDS SHADE,

AND IT ALL GOES WRONG,

WE SIMPLY REMEMBER THE GOOD FILMS WE’VE MADE

AND THEN WE BURST INTO SONG.

REG IS OUR SANTA, HE KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT

MIKE SAYS “THAT’S NOT TRUE! AND I VERY MUCH DOUBT IT”.

REG SAYS UNITED WILL WIN EVERY GONG,

BUT THE BOYS IN BLUE SHIRTS WILL SOON PROVE THAT HE’S WRONG.”

PEGGY AND JO ARE NOW SERVING UP COFFEE

WITH BISCUITS SO OLD THAT THEY ALL TASTE LIKE TOFFEE.

CHRIS CALLS OUT FOR SILENCE “NOW LISTEN TO ME!

HANDS UP ALL THOSE MORONS WHO ONLY DRINK TEA”.

(Chorus)

RESOLUTION, DEFINITION, GOD! THE JARGON’S TOUGH!

BUT THEN WE WATCH CHRIS AS HE PLAYS WITH HIS (PAUSE) GAVEL,

AND THEN WE DON’T FEEL SO ROUGH.

DOCUMENTARIES AND DRAMAS ARE CHURNED OUT GALORE

AND COMEDY FILMS IN THE HANDS OF MIKE SHAW.

BASIL DOODY, DEREK ALLEN AND MIKE TURNER TOO,

HELP MAKE UP THE TEAM OF THE COMEDY CREW.

OUR COMEDY QUEEN IS BAR BA RA RA WALKER,

SHE WRITES FUNNY SCRIPTS ‘AND IS A GOOD FILM MAKER.

SHE’LL GET YOU INVOLVED SO YOU’D BETTER WATCH OUT,

OR SOON SHE WILL GRAB YOU AND “GOTCHA!” SHE’LL SHOUT.

(Chorus)

NEARLY FINISHED, HOPE YOU LIKED IT

WE’LL BE BACK NEXT YEAR!

BUT WAIT, IS IT TRUE, CAN IT BE, DID WE HEAR?

SINGING NEXT YEAR?! NO BLOODY FEAR!!

OH DEAR WE’VE FORGOTTEN OUR ‘MISS EVEREADY’

IF YOU NEED A JOB DONE JUST CALL ON OUR FREDDIE.

ANNABELLE TOO WILL BE THERE TO ASSIST

AND ANNA BANANA’S FILMS SHOULD NOT BE MISSED.

(Chorus)

WE CAN’T MENTION EVERYBODY BUT WE’RE GLAD YOU’RE HERE,

IT MEANS WE CAN END ON A VERY NICE NOTE

‘A HEALTHY AND BRIGHT NEW YEAR!’

They were spectacular, they were stupendous…they were shameless! It was magnificent and we loved it.

What a way to end, an absolute high. Thanks Cherie and friends (your secret’s safe with us).

And so with the evening drawing to a close we nodded sagely to ourselves and considered…yes tonight had been a triumph. Thank you OVFM and thank you to all the hard workers who toiled to make it all happen.

You are quite literally the Ultimate. In fact you’re all so good you’re better than that you’re the…Penultimate!!!

I’ve decided to ask Santa for my own Bubbles this Christmas.

But according to Deborah I can’t expect any presents this year if I will persist in wearing the stockings instead of hanging them up. Baa Humbug!

But they are so exceedingly comfy!

On a serious note let us not forget the real meaning of this very special time of the year and remember that little chap of humble birth who grew up to bring joy and good cheer to us all…so here’s to you Mike T I raise my glass in salute!

Happy Christmas All.

See you in the New Year.