Summertime and the living is easy, or in the case of the current climate, the living is wet! But fear not as the inclement weather won’t stop the annual OVFM Garden Party from going ahead, oh no.

Assuming the role of host again this year is club treasurer David “Off-Shore Account” Laker who is clearly a glutton for punishment if he is opening his home to us lot again but if he is kind enough to do so then it would be rude not to take advantage.

You may have noticed this year’s event is happening a little later than usual and as such, to accommodate this, the kick off time has been brought forward to enjoy more of the evening light; therefore please arrive at 6:15pm for a 6:30pm start! The address can be found in the Member’s Only section of this site (so be sure you are logged in to see it).

David asks that no-one park their cars on the grass verge outside his palatial abode as it isn’t politically correct or something so perhaps this is one instance where carpooling might be a good idea to ensure plenty of spaces along the road for everyone.

As ever, the host only provides the location so those of you attending this tawdry shindig are advised to bring your own plates, cutlery (if you prefer your own over plastic forks), glasses, condiments (if your favourite isn’t available), chairs and tables. Coffee and tea will be served as per normal, as will squash and water but feel free to bring any other drinks if you like. Oxygen is free. Hopefully by now you should have all submitted your choice of meal via the form passed round at the last few club meetings. If not, it looks like you are going to starve. **EDIT** – Oh an umbrella might comes in handy too, just in case….

Since it has become something of a tradition at Chez Laker (or maybe a sign that he has run out of ideas) the legendary table tennis table will be available for use so if you fancy pinging or ponging some balls to amuse yourself, the opportunity will be there. Other activities rumoured to be open to all this year include a Twerking competition, a Tae-Kwon-Do tournament, Spot the Pimple, a poetry reading from the works of Piers Morgan and a round of Chasing The Dragon.

There is nothing like an OVFM Garden Party but that isn’t my fault, it is what you make of it which is why I stay away! The rest of you are free to enjoy yourselves if you wish.

Have fun kiddies, just don’t make the 10 o’clock news again like you did last year….

For our next club meeting we leave our usual premises of the Barnyard Room for the annual Garden Party!

This year Colin Jones and Mrs. Colin will once again open their home up to club members and their partners (that’s your own partners by the way, a new rule enforced after last year’s embarrassment when Mike Shaw and Ian Menage turned up with each other’s wives) wishing to spend a cold, wet night in their glorious garden under the pretence of summer social gathering.

Colin’s address can be found in the Members Details section of this site (be sure you are logged into access it) while Mrs. Colin’s address is none of your business. I was sent a crude map illustrating the exact location of the Jones abode but as I say it was crude and I’m not having that kind of filth on this website! (Only joking, I posted it on the Members Details page for safety to keep undesirables from seeing Colin’s address).

I was also sent a recent picture of the garden, just in case anyone doesn’t know what grass, bushes and random flowers look like in situ:

And breathe out.

Because of where their house is positioned, it is suggested those driving should park along Grosvenor Road where possible, while parking on Colin’s driveway is to be reserved for those handling the catering duties and no-one else upon pain of death or a bop over the head with a feather duster, whichever is most convenient. If you are arriving on foot, congratulations on learning how to walk.

With regard to the food, you should have all filled in the form passed around at previous club meetings denoting your preferences. If you didn’t then you’re going to starve.

Since it is against Colin’s religion to have more than four chairs in the house, those attending are advised to bring their own garden chair to sit on, unless you are adept at levitation, as well as small table if you can only suspend one thing in the air at a time. Also, to minimise the amount of washing up the hosts will have to do, you are asked to provide your own cutlery, glasses and additional condiments should you require them.

To truly minimise any hassle for Mr & Mrs. Colin, perhaps it is best to not turn up at all, and let them stuff their faces with 30 orders of fish, chips, chicken, Chinese, pizza and Sugar Puffs (yes Reg, your secret is out!).

Entertainment will be provided by your own imagination as Colin was forced to pawn his Buckaroo game to pay for Mrs. Colin’s new gold plated hairspray – unless someone spikes the coffee in which case I am glad I’ll be staying at home.  Then again Colin might do one of his famous theatrical turns for you, so just to be sure the police will be on standby.

The doors to Chez Colin will be opened at 6:30pm, a bit earlier than our usual meeting start time but these are different circumstances in case you hadn’t noticed. If you arrive late, the key will be under the mat, the mat will be under the cat and the cat will be under the influence of ten pints of Carlsberg.

So please make sure you have a good(ish) time and don’t overindulge like Hugh Darrington famously once did and spent most of 1989 on the toilet (and you thought he always sounded like that) and be kind to Colin and Mrs. Colin’s home – it’s the only one they have (well, officially anyway).

Bon appétit!

The highlight of the summer for many in OVFM is getting away from this dreary country of ours and experiencing the delights and wonders of other societies where the sun is likely to be on display for more than a few minutes and the company is usually pleasant and welcoming.

Those who choose to stay behind have to pay for their sins by attending the annual OVFM Garden Party!

Playing the role of host this year is club treasurer David “Off-Shore Account” Laker and his diamond encrusted wife Carole, whose address can be found in the Member’s Only section of this site (so be sure you are logged in to see it).

As ever, because the weather can never make up its bloody mind, attendees are requested to descend upon Chez Laker at 7:00pm for 7:15pm start. This is to ensure that meals are eaten while it is still light and the air is pleasant and breezy. If you arrive late you will be locked out and have to eat the grass on the verge instead.

Speaking of which, David asks that no-one park their cars on said verge as somebody once did in 1968 and the planets in our solar system fell out of alignment for three hours. Obviously we don’t want that happening again so please bear this in mind if you are arriving by car.

Since David is only providing the location, you are advised to bring your own plates, cutlery, glasses, condiments, drinks, chairs, tables, hesitation, repetition, deviation and repetition. Coffee and tea will be served as per normal but it is up to you if you drink it or not.

By now you should have all submitted your choice of meal via the form Freddy passed round at the last few club meetings. If you didn’t attend those meetings then you wouldn’t have seen the form thus this paragraph is irrelevant to you.

As host David is also obliged to provide some form of entertainment to liven things up a little bit. Two year ago David hosted a table tennis tournament which garnered quite a response from club members, but despite that, it is rumoured he is bringing it back again this year! Alongside this, other party games will be wheeled out for your amusement including Naked Twister, Pin The Tail On The Warthog, Hide And Seek And Destroy, Five-A-Side Kerplunk, British Bullfrog and Knock Up Ginger (Biggles Edition).

OVFM Garden Parties are a unique experience it has been said, least of all by those who attend them but don’t take my word for it, just ask the SAS who are on call every year exclusively to deal with the rowdiness that ensues at one of our get-togethers.

You have been warned!